Lots of comings and goings on R-TV this week, and for some, the goings can’t come soon enough.

I Want to Work for DT

First, his casinos went bankrupt. Then, his MTV reality series was kicked to the curb. Now, Donald Trump finds himself sitting at a big table and sharing the spotlight with the likes of Dennis Rodman, Joan and Melissa Rivers, Andrew “Dice” Clay, and heterosexual figure skater Scott Hamilton on The Celebrity Apprentice.

I could identify all the men, but the woman’s team seemed to stretch the definition of “celebrity” a bit. The Ultimate Poker Champion? A Deal or No Deal model? A golfer? A Khardasian? There’s a Playboy playmate, but are they generally known by name?

During the back and forth in boardroom, Andrew “Dice” Clay offered to resign, but Trump gave him a kinda stirring lecture on how he shouldn’t be a quitter, how three other people playing this game have quit and are now branded for life as quitters, etc. Serious stuff, though who was branded for life for quitting The Apprentice, I couldn’t tell you. Of course, all this was just Trump’s wind up, so that later, he could lay the inevitable firing on the greasy head of the formerly famous comic.

Trump used the whole quitting thing as his reasoning for dumping Dice over Rodman or Herschell Walker, but honestly, did he need an excuse?

*The guy showed up in a striped zoot suit with a pink tie, looking like the victim of a ’40’s era gangland killing.

*He constantly interrupted Trump’s daughter, Ivanka, and you know he was just dying to say something foul or hit on her.

*His incessant listing of his long-ago accomplishments (“I sold out Madison Sqare Garden three times!”) made him sound like Willie Lohman.

*His insistence on doing shtick virtually every time he opened his mouth was like watching a crazy old uncle from a Woody Allen movie.

Trump didn’t so much fire him as put him out of his–and our–misery.

Guilty? Repeat offender.
Recidivist Factor: Until I learn who everyone is, I’ll be back.

Seen in the Post Office

Swallow

I don’t think I’m alone when I say you could have knocked me over with a deep-fried feather when Hosea was crowned Top Chef. Wasn’t he just there because they needed a third person?

That finale was one of the most grueling R-TV hours in a long time. Carla’s “made with love” dishes had charmed the ample pants off famous foodies Jacques Pepin and Emeril Lagasse, won her a car, and made her the one to beat going into the final episode, which heartened everyone who was sick of the talented yet pompous Stefan. Watching her descent at the unwitting hands of sous chef and Season Three loser Casey was terrible and riveting. Even the judges were touched, with the often vile Toby Young making a half-hearted, late-in-game plea for amnesty. Alas, it was not to be, and our loopy but endearing girl will likely have to settle for Fan Favorite, unless Jamie or Jeff have an oddly heroic and persistent fan base.

In case you still have an apetite, ponder this: According to the New York Post’s Page Six, at a Top Chef season finale after party, Hosea and Leah were seen passionately “making out.” This would be a far cry from their chaste, yet angst-inducing, kisses shared a few episodes ago.

Bird Brains

So, also according to the Post’s Page Six (the online edition), Tool Academy’s Matsuflex hosted a party this past week end at a bar in Chelsea, NYC. Now, I’m no expert, but posters advertising a party in Chelsea featuring shirtless muscle boys… uh, should Matsu’s girlfriend be concerned? I mean, who’s running Tool Academy now, RuPaul? And isn’t the whole point of Tool Academy for the guys to stop showing up half-naked at bar parties?

By the way, what was that cat fight at the end of this week’s show? Tiny Josh called beefy Shawn’s girlfriend a hooker right after Shawn was “expelled,” and somehow everyone’s surprised that Shawn tried to break back into the house and pummel wee Josh into dust? I mean, yeah, Shawn should have learned not to go wild every time someone calls his girl a hooker, but shouldn’t Josh have learned not to call other guys’ girlfriends hookers? Especially when the other guy is like a big tree compared to Josh’s sapling-like stature?

In the end, Josh, surrounded by the burly technical staff, lamented not reaching for the stars and clocking Shawn. For his part, Shawn basically said he’d “moider him,” only without that endearing Stooge quality we’ve come to expect. My guess is they’re planning a reunion show as we speak.