It’s a family affair on R-TV this week, starting with a boy whose best friend and partner is his mother and moving on to the crazy cousins and brothers you keep hidden in the attic.

Why Am I Dumped?

So, Steven Ward’s Tough Love is VH1’s version of Bravo’s Millionaire Matchmaker, with a little Tool Academy thrown in for good measure.

Ward is a second-generation matchmaker–when did this whole yenta thing resurge? Ward works with his mom, but the Tough Love boot camp seems to be his baby.

The show features eight women who, try as they might, cannot find that whole everlasting love thing. In case you’re not sure why, Steven gives them cutesy nicknames that cut to the chase: “Miss Gold Digger,” “Miss Party Girl,” “Miss Ball Buster,” “Miss Fatal Attraction.” You get the idea.

To his credit, Steven–who’s kind of like Scott Baio pitching commemorative plates on HSN–doesn’t give out nicknames like “Miss Skank” or “Miss So Much Silicone You Should Be Declared a Toxic Waste Dump.” He’s tough on the ladies–thus, the title–but he’s not meanspirited about it. This is kinder, gentler R-TV, not unlike Baio’s recent Confessions of a Teen Idol. They should actually pair those guys up with these women.

Guilty? Not yet, but everyone’s just getting to know everyone else.
Recidivist Factor: It’s there. This is not an elimination show, so there’s lots of time to get to know everyone.

Double Dump

Leave it to Bret Michaels to find a new way to twist that old “bring in the exes” business so popular on R-TV dating shows.

On Rock of Love Bus, he trotted out the former amour fous of his remaining six sweeties. He also brought in Ambre, who won Rock of Love 2, and Heather, who was in the place position for the first Rock of Love to help weed out the weevils.

The old boyfriends were pretty much what you’d expect from this crew, each looking like the progeny of the family from The Hills Have Eyes. I’ve seen the “quiz the exes” bit before (I think Bret did this on RoL2), but I’ve never seen such a mangy bunch. And nasty. These guys didn’t just throw the girls under the bus, they backed the bus over them, then threw it in gear, and dragged the silicone-heavy bodies through every back alley they could find.

Hardest hit were former front runners Brittanya and Ashley. Brittanya went into this disliking Heather, and her moronic boyfriend had already told Ambre that they’d slept together right up to the day she’d boarded Bret’s bus. All this led to Brittanya taking a swing at Heather and then spitting at her, actions that would have given her a win if she’d been on Flavor of Love but caused her tour to end here.

Worse was Ashley, who swore up and down that she was done with boyfriend (and baby daddy) James and was then bedeviled when he let slip that they were still living together. Then, James admitted he wasn’t there to stick up for Ashley, he was there to take her home! It was like he was going to have a duel with Bret! Of course, Bret wouldn’t actually duel, he’d have sent Big John to duel on his behalf.

When all was said and done, Brittanya and Ashley were sent packing, and for the first time in Rock of Love history, there are no blondes left to win. Also, no especially interesting women, but what can you do?

And the bus sails on…

Trump Dump

This week on Celebrity Apprentice, the challenge was to raise obscene amounts of money by selling wedding dresses. Typically, the women’s team, led by Playboy Playmate Brande Roderick, trounced the men’s team, headed this go ’round by the irritating Tom Green. The men called in favors, but their bridal shop looked exactly what you’d expect a man’s idea of a bridal shop to look like–a strong “look what fell off the truck” vibe. Even though Dennis Rodman called out sick and nobody believed him, when it came time to hit the chopping block, it was Green’s head that ended up in the box.

Like his teammates, the rest of us were pretty happy to see Green go.

*He seems to think that shtick that wasn’t funny in the early ’90s somehow magically became funny nearly two decades later.

*While everyone except Dennis Rodman was hard at work, Tom Green was kinda floating about tossing off pallid one liners.

*He raised no money while Clint Black raised thousands.

*The beard… the beard…

*He was clueless. Had Trump not fired him, I really think the men would have gotten together and done him harm. This would have been fun in an Agatha Christie sort of way and a certain ratings bonanza, but a full-on police investigation with a bunch of second-rate celebrity suspects would have drawn too much focus from The Donald and his heirs. So once, again, another first-rate decision by Trump.

Best of luck in your future endeavors, Tom.