TV Verdict

After last week’s somewhat unsettling episode, this week we got one that had no real agenda other than reliving the glory days of the classic “Our COPS is On!” episodes. This was a hugely dense and complicated episode built around one of the most pointless mysteries in the show’s history: What happened to Ernie Belcher, the owner of the Crab Shack? Of course, no one really cares that much, except for maybe Crabman, but the mystery just served as a frame to hang a series of jokes about the character’s past lives. It was also a way to shoehorn in 2 guest stars, Geraldo Rivera and NASCAR driver Michael Waltrip. As detestable as Rivera has become over the years, I gotta admit, dude was funny. We also finally got a look at Greg Garcia’s character, Wilfred Durkis, who’s been seen in several episodes this season, most notably sharing a party doll with TV’s Tim Stack. It turns out that wasn’t even in the top 10 most awful things he’s ever done.

Geraldo appeared as the host of Inside Probe, a Dateline-style investigative program that Randy wrote to after Ernie disappeared mysteriously. Geraldo’s program, titled “Claws of Death Unknown”, was originally filmed in 2001, back when Earl and Joy were still married and Crabman was still hiding in the Witness Protection Program. Because it took Crabman so long to sign his release, though, the program was finally airing. Rivera examines the place that is Camden County, a place where random babies routinely wander around in broad daylight, where all the Little League teams are sponsored by gun stores, bail bondsmen, or rehab clinics, and where a pair of dimwit petty thieves, namely Earl and Randy, are at the prime suspects in Ernie’s disappearance. Earl and Randy are significant because they were the Crab Shack’s most regular customers and great friends with Ernie. Or rather, they were, until Ernie stopped giving out free toothpicks and serving Randy’s favorite meal, a concoction known only as “Fish Wings.” Also important is Joy, who never forgot how Ernie once hosed down a drunken Crab Shack patron who tried to dry-hump her in the parking lot. In a curious coincidence, TV’s Tim Stack remembers how one time Ernie hosed him down for reasons he can’t quite recall. Another of Ernie’s favorites was Catalina, Camden’s very first hot immigrant. Actually, Catalina formed a team with Patty the Daytime Hooker: Ernie would go see her dance, and then he’d go with Patty to finish up. As Patty put it, “She shakes the bottle and I pop the cork.” Yes. Well. Harrumph. Finally, there’s Darnell, who knew of Ernie’s less-than-sanitary health practices and who refuses to say much, probably because he’s in the Witness Protection Program.

So, as is the case with the episodes built around COPS, this one didn’t really have a story. In fact, the whole “mystery” of Ernie’s disappearance was deliberately left hanging for next week. Apparently, Randy and Earl were suspected at one point because of Randy’s threatening letters to Ernie, mostly about the absence of toothpicks and fish wings. The typically inept Camden police department, which is pretty much just Stuart and Jeff, separates Earl and Randy and extracts a confession from Randy by telling him that Earl is probably going to die. Luckily, Mike Waltrip provides their airtight alibi after he spent a night partying with them at Ernie’s behest. Which is just as well, since their attorney is Tim Stack’s manager, Wilfred Derkis, and he’s the most hopelessly incompetent lawyer this side of Lionel Hutz. His strategy for fighting the case? Pleading insanity for Earl and retardity for Randy. It was that kind of episode, one where the jokes and bits came so fast and furious that it was impossible to catch them all in one sitting. It was also a nice touch to use (I’m guessing) real pictures of the cast as children, especially when Jason Lee’s where retouched to close his eyes, just like Earl does. I can’t imagine next week’s follow-up can possibly close this “mystery” in any sort of satisfying way, and I couldn’t care less. I just hope it’s as funny as this one was. And God Bless You, Greg Garcia, for having Earl state that no one could possibly want to see him get hit by a car and end up in a coma. I believe there are a few fans (cough, cough) who have said the same thing once or twice in the past. As for the network executives who didn’t let this air as a 1-hour special, cleaned up the language, and have talked about canceling this show, I direct them to Joy’s final thought (pause, look at watch): Douchebags.