TV Verdict

Part II of last week’s mystery episode turned out to be more of the same, which wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. This episode lacked the novelty of last week’s, but it did have some very funny bits, most of which centered on Geraldo Rivera, the intrepid journalist. Yes, he’s been more of a punchline these last few years as the face of Fox News Channel, but in this episode, he actually seemed to be in on the joke. Witness the scene where he hypes himself up in the Shack’s bathroom mirror (“You’re a rock star! This is why they pay you the big money!”) before realizing that there was someone else in there. His high-pitched squeal of “It’s not Geraldo!” almost redeems him for getting bounced from Iraq during the war. Also, as is the case with any episode written (or co-written) by TV’s Tim Stack, TV’s Tim Stack had a prominent role; he even got to be asphyxiated by Catalina’s thighs. TV writers: is there anything they can’t do?

This week, Inside Probe continued its investigation into Ernie Belcher’s disappearance, and more truths were revealed. For instance, who knew that Camden County played a significant role in the Civil War, if by significant you mean disastrous? Back in 1861, Camden refused to join either the North or the South and instead seceded into its own region, the Central. That secession lasted all of 4 hours, at the end of which all of the Central’s army were slaughtered by a combined Union/Confederate army. At least Camden’s selfishness did bring the 2 sides together, however briefly, but it was such an embarrassment that many Camden residents would rather forget about it. Ernie, however, proudly flew his Central flag over the Crab Shack every day, making him a target. Also revealed is that Ernie ran a fetish video website, one in which viewers would shell out big bucks to watch such sights as Earl eating mac-and-cheese from a woman’s shoe, Joy kicking Wilfred Derkis in the crotch repeatedly, or Randy tearfully putting on makeup. This, too, made Ernie a target. Finally, there was the seemingly unrelated but curious fact that the night of Ernie’s disappearance, there were several bright flashes of light seen around the Shack that many though were UFOs. Stuart, sacrificing himself by going undercover at an underground gay rave (even going so far as to become the meat in a man-sandwich), saw them. So did Internet Josh, the linchpin of the infamous Television Without Pity shout-out in season 2, who at the time was still alive and laying down fresh concrete in Ernie’s bathroom. What could tie all of these facts together?

As Geraldo uncovered, the solution was simple. Actually, it was excessively complicated and ridiculous, but then would anyone have expected anything else from this show? What it came down to was a combination of events. First, Ernie hid secret cameras in the Shack’s bathrooms to feed his fetish site, but needed to change the videos hidden in the wall. Second, the bathrooms were covered in wet cement, meaning that Ernie had to balance himself on wooden beams laid down until the cement hardened. And third, Darnell got into a brawl on the roof of the Shack with yet another Camden resident who was itching to pull Ernie’s Central flag down. The outcome was that as Darnell and the stranger fought, the flagpole fell over and hit some nearby power lines, causing the bright flashes that everyone assumed were UFOs. The subsequent power outage meant that as Ernie tried to install fresh videos, he lost his balance and fell into the wet cement. There, he sank almost to the bottom, leaving only his nose exposed. As Earl and his friends rush to the bathroom, sure enough they see Ernie’s nose, still sticking out after all these years, where’s it been used as a doorstop. Of course, this doesn’t really make sense. How on earth did Ernie’s nose stay so well-preserved so many years? And how did no one notice before? Even Camden residents aren’t that stupid. Still, Earl isn’t about taut storylines or realism. As a mixture of cheerful and scabrous, this episode fit the rest of the series perfectly. Although to be fair, I’m not sure we needed to see Patty the Daytime Hooker hosing off her, uh, “work car.” Aw, who am I kidding? If this is indeed the show’s last season, as has been bandied about, I’ll even miss that part.