TV Verdict

Word on the street says that John Stamos is itching to get Full House the edgy, big-screen feature-film it’s deserved for so long. From the New York Daily News:

Former sitcom star John Stamos confesses that he’s conceptualizing a “Full House” feature film. “I’m working on a movie idea, but it wouldn’t be us playing us,” he told us. “I’m not 100% sure, but it would probably take place in the first few years” of the 1987-95 series.

The former “ER” doc votes for James Franco to reprise Stamos’ role as Jesse Katsopolis. “I see Steve Carell as [Bob Saget’s character] Danny Tanner and Tracy Morgan as [Dave Coulier’s] Joey Gladstone because he’s funny,” he added.

Sounds like he’s thought this thing through, huh?

Because I have such an abiding appreciation for Full House (i.e., it was on when I got home from high school and was too tired to change the channel), here are some free ideas on how to slightly adjust the mythology to make is sure to be a powerhouse theater-going experience:

1. Move the setting from San Francisco to a fictional war-torn Eastern European country. Maybe Bratswanastan?

2. Instead of a failing comedian, Uncle Joey is black ops soldier recently released from a Russian prison, dealing with extreme emotional trauma and nightmarish hallucinations. Hilarity ensues!

3. Michelle is actually the very first synthetic child created, and she struggles with her role in the world and the question of her humanity and whether or not she possesses a soul and the mean kids who tease her about this in kindergarten.

4. Danny and Rebecca still host a morning talk show but they also worship Satan.

5. Stephanie is actually an undercover narcotics cop, infiltrating her junior high school to bring major drug cases against her peers.

6. And DJ is the secret kingpin who operates the entirety of the drug distribution operation in the school district, intimidating everyone with her whip-smart skirt/blazer combos. The tension between the two sisters will be box office gold.

6. Kimmy is a stripper with a heart of gold.

7. And finally, Uncle Jesse will no longer be a washed-up musician who moonlights with the Beach Boys, but the last best hope of mankind in their fight for survival against the machines.